What You Wish Everyone Else Knew About Adoption

Today Trey and I completed the last of our mandatory trainings with our adoption agency. One of the activities was to complete questions in small groups that addressed some of the things we wish others knew about adoption. Answering these questions made me realize how much my perspective has changed over the course of the last year. I thought I'd post some of the insights shared today.

1. If there was one thing you could tell your extended family or friends about adoption, what would it be?

The consensus on this one was that open adoption is a GREAT thing! A child who is adopted will want to know his birthparents regardless if it is open or not. The opportunity to build this relationship is vital for the emotional health of the child. I know many adoptive parents have the initial fear that the birthmom will want to come back and get her baby, but this is extremely rare. It probably happens more in made for TV dramas, then in real life. It's even unheard of when the birthmom receives appropriate counseling.

2. What could friends/family have not said/said/done/ or not done....

a) during waiting?

-Please don't say, "Now you will get pregnant." Although this comment is so well intentioned, as an adoptive parent it feels as if you are stripping away the excitement, anticipation, and legitimacy of this baby as your newest family member. The underlying message it communicates is, "This is good, but there's something better." I know this is not what people mean to communicate, but the truth is we will not be lacking in any way if we don't have biological children. Plus, it's just not statistically true. Even though most people know of a friend of a friend this happened too, it's actually more the exception than the rule. At the same time, we believe God has the power to open and close a womb, so we rejoice when that happens, just as we would rejoice in a finalized adoption.

- Do share your excitement of your own pregnancies and children. If you are afraid your friend or family member going through the adoption process or infertility may be sensitive to something, talk with them about it. Allow your friend who is going through the adoption process to tell you if they are having a hard time and can't go to a shower or birthday party. Don't exclude them because you want to be sensitive to their emotions. Most of the time they are already struggling with the isolation that comes with infertility as more and more friends have children, so to not be invited to something in an effort to spare their feelings can just add to the pain of isolation. Now on a side note, if you you just want to invite families with kids to an event, that is perfectly acceptable and understandable too. :)

- Notes of encouragement. I know for us it's been really cool to receive little unexptected congratulation cards or emails acknowledging we are "expecting."

b)at the time of placement?

-Understand if there needs to be a little distance for a few days, but be available for support. We are learning that placement day is extremely emotional. Your greatest sense of joy comes that day at a great cost to the birthparents and their families. It's common for new adoptive parents to struggle with guilt as well. With these experiences, it's easy to feel emotionally depleted, and it may be hard to come home to a big celebration. We really don't know how we will feel. We don't know even know what we want. We want to protect those sacred first few days as a new family, but we also desire to share the celebration with others at the same time. Please bear with us in the beginning as we figure this out.

c) during the first 6 months after placement?

-Understand that the biggest need of the child is to bond with the adoptive parents. Our agency recommends only adoptive parents hold and feed the baby the first few weeks and that the baby be worn to foster attachment. For us personally, we may be a little protective in the beginning about others holding the baby. That doesn't mean you can't sit close to us and touch the baby. Know that in our hearts, we love the idea of family members and friends holding and loving on the baby. We just have to use our best judgement as to when it is best for this to start.

after finalization and beyond?

-Use the term birthparents," not "real" parents. Adoptive parents are the "real" parents. This is what makes adoption amazing and how it reflects our adoption into God's family through Christ. God is our real Father even though we are adopted into his family, and we are His real children. Even co-heirs with Christ. I have a feeling that truth is about to become more real.

- Allow adoptive children to initiate talking about adoption. Be sensitive to the fact that it is not a topic they always want to talk about so be careful of questions you pose or comments you make in their presence.

- Talk positively about birthparents. We can't stress this one enough. The decision to place a baby for adoption is often the hardest decision they will have to make in their life. Adoption is one of the most loving, sacrificial decisions a birthparent can make. We want everyone to know how much respect and love we have for our birthparents.

3) What would you want your family or friends to say or not say to others about your adoption?

-The most meaningful things that family members have said to us are: "We are so excited to love on this baby and can't wait to welcome them into the family." Our families are so supportive!!!

-We would love to hear, "I had never thought seriously about adoption, but now I'm considering it." Ok, we don't want to hear that from everyone. I know I was totally scared of domestic adoption until I heard someone else's story, so hopefully our story will help curb some fears others may have regarding adoption.

4)What would you want your family or friends to say or not say to your adopted child?

-Don't say, "Wow, you are really lucky to be adopted by them." I know you are really thinking, "They are the coolest people ever and I want them to be MY parents," but imagine this through the ears of the child. It could make them feel like a charity case, like they are lucky to be wanted. Besides, luck has nothing to do with how they come to be a part of our family.

-Don't say, "You look just like your adoptive parents." Most children who are adopted don't like to hear that (especially in their teens). This denies their uniqueness and diminishes the characteristics they share with their birthparents.

-Don't say, "Who are your REAL parents?" That would be us.

Like I said, I've learned a lot the past nine months since we started this process. If any of this was surprising to you, you are in good company. My intent in sharing this is not to make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around adoptive parents or feel the need to speak a certain way to be "politically correct." I just hope to give others a little understanding. We all need grace for the times we try to say something with good intentions, but it just all goes south the minute we open our mouth.

Happy Birthmother's Day

Birthmother's Day is not actually today, but the Saturday before Mother's Day.

Today Trey and I attended our first of two trainings with our adoption agency. One of the topics discussed was open adoption and relationships with birthmothers. I have to say, this was one of the things that really scared me in considering domestic adoption. Now, it is one of the things I like most about domestic adoption.

There are a lot of misconceptions about birthmothers. One common misconception is that they must not care about their child to "give them up." I've even had a few people make comments to me about how it's such a shame that a mom could just give her baby away. Two birthmothers shared their stories today at the training and I must tell you, there is absolutely no truth in that statement. We got to hear these young ladies tearfully tell the stories of how much they loved their babies and how they weighed heavily the decision to parent, choose adoption, or even abortion. Adoption for them was not an immediate, easy decision. As they considered their options, they realized there was so much they could not provide for their babies. Both wanted their children to experience the love of a father and a stable family life. Something they desperately wanted for themselves as well, but just couldn't provide. It was painful and scary for them to think about another family raising their child. The only comfort came in knowing they would forever have a link to their child, an ability to know them, and a family who would commit to communicating the depth of their love. These women carried their babies 9 months, felt them move, held them when they were born, and changed their first diapers. They bonded with their little ones and deeply love their children. I can't fathom making this sacrifice. Birthmothers are brave. One of them even faced ridicule from her family who told her adoption was just like throwing your baby in a dumpster, an act of abandonment. These words were so wounding. Both of them shared how healing it was to be loved by their adoptive families and to see their children given the same love they have for their children. This is a huge source of peace for them.

Trey and I are excited and anxious for when the time comes to meet our birthmother. We so desire a close relationship to develop. We also know relationships are risky. We know all relationships hold the potential for great pain and also great joy. We want to take the risk or obviously we wouldn't be headed down this road.

We ask for you to join us this Birthmother's Day (or any day) for praying for our birthmom. Wherever she is right now, she has a tough road ahead. Pray for us too, that God would cast out any fear.

Adoption Update

There's not a whole lot to report, but we are really excited to learn that an opening has come available for the May1 training with our agency. We are required to attend two trainings (Spring and Fall) and unfortunately the Spring training was booked when we first met with our agency in February. That meant we would have had our first training next November and the second training next Spring. We were so thrilled to hear there was an opening. Placements are not contingent upon having attended both trainings, but ideally we want to learn as much as possible before the baby comes.

We continue to wait for a home study. It will most likely be scheduled next month. We have a few more things to complete to get our profile ready in the meantime.

I look forward to sharing more soon about all we are learning!

Amazing Adoption Stories

Today I read two adoption stories that brought tears to my eyes. Oh, how I love hearing how God works through this amazing process. If you have a moment, grab a tissue, and read one or both of these:

http://s3.amazonaws.com/1142.assets/bissons-story.pdf

http://www.aboverubies.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=809:adoptions-orphans-tuckers-story&catid=24&Itemid=55

Next Steps

A week ago we had our pre-adoption conference with our adoption agency. This was our time to hear about the process in depth, ask questions, and officially decide to work with one another. After this meeting we can both say we absolutely love the heart of the women who work with New Life! I'll sum up the next steps because the most often asked question is, "What's next?"

Right now we are on the list for a home study to be completed. They estimated this could take place in about three months. In the meantime, we need to write autobiographies, write letters to the birthmom, make a short video, read some books, take some pics for our profile, have physicals, take infant care and cpr classes, have a fire inspection, among some other things. If we have all this completed, they will be able to start showing our profile to birthmom's once the home study is finished. After that...we wait! We wait for the right birthmom at the right time. It could be quick, it could be long, but we know it will be right.

Encouragement

A few weeks ago Trey and I turned in a screening packet for New Life. Basically, this packet provides a way for the agency to get to know us and our beliefs, to hear our testimonies, and to see if we agree with their statement of faith and policies.

The week we turned in our packet was a pretty incredible week.

Sunday of that week, we had finished answering all the questions, but needed to add some pictures so I couldn't put it in the mail quite yet. If you know me and pictures, they don't come easy!

Monday, I went to the dentist and left feeling deflated. And it wasn't because of my teeth. My dentist went to the same fertility specialist as Trey and me and after doing one round of IVF, she is 6 months pregnant. She commented that I should be pregnant by now as well. In a good hearted manner, she told me we were wasting our time using natural supplements and needed to schedule an appointment with our doctor that day. She was very emphatic! I thought she might pick up the phone and call the doctor for me. The thing is, a week prior to this appointment, Trey and I decided we didn't want to move forward with the fetility treatment our doctors had recommended. We know beyond a shadow of doubt that we are being obedient to God to start the adoption process now. It's not that we are against fertility treatment, we just dont' have peace in pursuing the injectible/IUI treatment at this time. We're really not sure if we ever will. Of course, her comments sent my head spinning down the fear path. I was overcome with thoughts like, "Am I throwing away good fertility years when we could adopt anytime?" "Should we try another treatment?" I explained to her that we had actually decided to adopt and were not pursuing treatment at the time, but the seeds of doubt had been planted. This is when God showed up in such a real and tangible way!

Tuesday, I get a phone call from a friend who has adopted through New Life. I had left her a message the previous month to call me so I could ask her some questions, but she forgot I had called. She "just happened" to remember to call me the week we were turning in the screening application and the day after my deflating dentist appointment. Her call was so encouraging. Before I had a chance to even tell her why I had called the previous month, she starts telling me about her adoption experiences. She tells me about the mystery of holding a baby for the first time who seems so foreign to you and yet within no time becomes completely yours. She explains how she had similar feelings with her two chilren she birthed as well. She tells me she feels no difference in connectedness between her children she birthed versus the ones she adopted. She says it seemes even silly to say aloud because asking if she feels any different toward her children who are adopted is like asking if she loves her husband. It's unthinkable to think about loving them differently. She tells me about her love and respect for the birthmother of her childen. She tells me that she and her husband have decided to adopt again. Turns out they will be going through the trainings with us. I am so encouraged, God has sent someone to talk to me and answer questions on my heart even before I formulate the questions with my mouth. I am amazed at His timing and how He knows us!

If that weren't encouraging enough, Wednesday I talk to a dear friend from college and find out she has just turned in her screening application for an adoption agency in Houston that same week. So another friend is walking the same road at the same time. We are able to talk and share our fears, our excitement, and how God continues to work on our hearts in this process. I can't believe how God continues to provide the encouragement I need.

Friday, we finally get our pictures printed and put our packet in the mail.

The next Monday, I attend a prayer gathering outside the second largest Planned Parenthood facility in the world, right here in Houston. Over 6,000 people from across the U.S. show up. One thing on the hearts of the leaders was to pray that more christian families would rise up in the Houston area with a heart for adoption. That women who find themselves in crisis pregnancy will know there are choices apart from abortion. It was pretty incredible to sit among thousands of believers praying for these mothers and future children. I don't think it was by chance that we decided January was the time we would make our decision. The month that this huge prayer movement would take place in our city. We know our response has been a result of God moving in our hearts.

This journey is so much more than our desires to have children and a big family. We are so excited in these beginning stages to see how God will continue to work and which child He will give us the opportunity to raise. We feel less than adequate for this responsibility, but we are available!! We know that God will equip us for every step of the journey and we are so thankful for the friends and family who are walking with us!

Adoption Beginnings

As most of you know, Trey and I have started the adoption process! I wanted to start this blog so we can share the journey with you and so we have a way to remeber how God has worked throughout this process. Below is an edited answer to the first question on our screening application, "Why are you interested in adoption?"

Both Trey and I knew we were open to adoption well before we got married. I always knew I wanted a big family and I sensed that if I got married, adoption would be in God’s plan for our family. When we were dating we discovered adoption was something we both desired regardless of whether we could have biological children. After we were married, we both felt like we would probably have a few children and then start the adoption process. It was really just a matter of timing.

After a year of trying to get pregnant, we saw a fertility specialist who diagnosed me with anovulation and recommended clomid/IUI cycles. We were game and decided to pursue treatment. Around the same time, we started researching international adoption agencies and listening to people’s adoption stories. One couple’s story really stood out to us. They mentioned that a lot of people view adoption as Plan B for their family. This family shared that they felt there is not Plan A or Plan B, but God’s plan. We realized our plan had been to have children first, then adopt, but that we had not considered God may have something totally different.

At that point we signed up to attend an adoption information meeting with America World Adoption Agency (I was leaning toward international adoption from China and Trey was leaning toward domestic adoption). I knew the China process was long, which in the back of my mind was perfect because if we got pregnant, we could still have a biological baby and adopt and have a reasonable amount of time between our children. Not too long after signing up for the adoption seminar we found out we were pregnant. We were thrilled, but our excitement was short-lived as we found out we would soon miscarry after five short weeks of being pregnant. We were absolutely crushed! We eventually saw two fertility specialists who told us we could become more aggressive in our fertility treatment, but we just weren't ready for that. At that point we decided we did not want to pursue further treatment, but rather try natural means such as diet and herbs to try and get my body in sync.

We went forward with attending the adoption information meeting with AWAA and again our hearts were stirred. At that point we decided we were ready to start the adoption process for China. We were soon disappointed to find out we would need to be married for two more years before we could start the process in China. It was clear we needed to either wait or it was time to look at other options.

Now up until this time I had been hesitant to even consider domestic adoption because of many fears. Open adoption terrified me! The risk of having a birthmother change her mind and decide to parent her child seemed like too much to handle. Raising a child with an open adoption seemed risky and scary. I even almost had Trey convinced that domestic adoption was not a good choice for us based on my fears. Then, I started reading books about adoption and ended up hearing more and more stories of people who had adopted domestically or placed a child for adoption and I started to realize that many of my fears were based on false assumptions or sinful attitudes regarding parenting and the adoption process. I had been considering my feelings and safety and comfort more than what could be best for a child. I know God has much more to teach me in this area, but for the first time I began seriously exploring domestic adoption.

At this point Trey was open to either domestic or international adoption. One evening Trey and I wrote down all our fears regarding domestic and international adoption and found scripture to address each fear. We both needed to relinquish our fears and preconceived ideas of what we thought was best to the Lord. We began a process of praying for the right timing and right decision. At this time, all the choices of agencies and countries seemed overwhelming. We decided that by January we would make a decision. Over a matter of time, we both came to a place where we knew domestic adoption was the right decision for us!